i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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