Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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