He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
