Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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