Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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