garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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