Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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