well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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