I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
