just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
