No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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