okay pat passed out under dana's car
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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