Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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