So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
