I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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