Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize