I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
