I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
