The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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