I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Randomize