i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
