Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
