got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize