if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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