I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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