I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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