Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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