Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
