I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
