i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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