Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
