my phone needs a breathalizer
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
