Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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