If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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