im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
