i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
