get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize