You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
