is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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