I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
