Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
