dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
