just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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