i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
