that's an acceptable place to lick
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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