The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
