I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
