They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
