I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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