You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
