I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My bed smells like the plague
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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