please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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