i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
