I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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