he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize